What Men and Women Want
IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK
I asked 25 men and 25 women one very simple question, and the results were astounding. Not because they were over-the-top, shocking, or wild in any way. But because every single woman said a version of the same thing and, yep you guessed it, every single man did too.
That means it’s pretty likely that you’ll resonate with one or the other.
The answers are completely different for both sexes and I believe that when understood AND put into practice, they are the key to better communication with your current (or future) significant other. And better communication leads to the things we all want which include; more understanding, trust and intimacy, passion and sex, and evolution.
HERE THEY ARE:
The two simple words that when put into action make a BIG impact.
Acknowledgement: men want to be acknowledged by women.
Presence: women want presence from men.
Seems simple enough right? Men are looking for acknowledgment and women are looking for presence. I know what you may be thinking: what does this mean for me? Why is this true? How can I apply it?
We’ll get there, but first let’s clearly define these words as my goal is not to intellectualize these as concepts, but instead make them actionable.
Acknowledgement: The recognition or favorable notice of an act or achievement. This is the number one thing men are missing from the women in their lives.
Presence: The state or fact of existing, occurring, or being completely in a place. This is the number one thing women are missing from the men in their lives.
Here’s what this sounds like IRL:
I wish my wife noticed all my hard work around the house
I wish my boyfriend wasn’t on his phone in the evenings
I wish my girlfriend made me feel appreciated more
I wish my husband didn’t try to hurry me up when I talk
I wish my wife didn’t take me for granted
I wish my boyfriend actually looked at me more
HOW DID WE ARRIVE HERE
Most people ask the question, what do you look for in a mate? Answers range from any combination of the following; ambition, attraction, intelligence, humour, loyalty, and so on. While these answers are great for meeting your partner, they mean nothing when it comes to making something last.
Which is where the problem for most people lies - it’s not a change in heart, but a lack of effort and miscommunication over an extended period of time (a wedge if you will). So I took the opposite approach and asked something different…
I asked the question - what are you missing from the opposite sex? I asked women I know what they want from men and I asked men I know what they want from women and the answers were enlightening.
Men are yearning for acknowledgment and women are craving presence. In other words, men need appreciation and women need attention. Not in a superficial way, but in a deeply biological, chemical, and neurological way and here’s why:
WHAT MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
What women are not saying but feeling (pretty much always) is ‘look at me.’ This comes from the innate feminine desire to be expressive. Remember, some of the fundamental characteristics of femininity are; intuition, creativity, expression, and feeling. She wants to BE (as opposed to do) so she wants her man to stop and see her in all her beauty, to really see her. Men, this means releasing distractions and giving her your complete undivided attention when you are spending time together.
A huge misconception that I’ve found is that many men think women need “constant” attention and want to be made the priority, but that’s not true at all. A woman with a healthy self-esteem has a clear understanding about the importance of her man’s goals, dreams, and brotherhood circles. She understands that when he focuses on those things, he is more fulfilled and able to show up more powerfully for her. Which is exactly why when you have plans together, she expects your undivided attention. It doesn’t have to be a big to-do, it’s just about being there with her. Presence will open her up more to you and a lack of presence will push her away.
IRL:
Thirty minutes of undivided attention will do far more for your relationship than four hours spent distracted and on your phone.
Listen to what she’s saying without trying to move onto the next thing or trying to solve a problem, just listen.
WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
What men are not saying but thinking (pretty much always) is ‘look what I did.’ This comes from a man’s innate desire to find solutions, build structures, and propel forward in life. Remember, some of the fundamental characteristics of masculinity are; passion, leadership, and direction. He wants to DO (as opposed to be) so he wants his woman to notice and acknowledge what he does for himself, for her, their family, and their community at large. Women, that means noticing what he does and letting him know you see and appreciate it.
Women need to understand that men do a lot behind the scenes and since they naturally don’t have an innate desire to express as much as women do, many times they keep things quiet. But they want you to notice all of his many efforts. He’s constantly thinking of ways to improve a situation in the home, fixing a problem, or setting and achieving goals for the progress of the family. A simple “ I see all that you do for us (home, finances, planning) and I’m so grateful.” would go such a long way.
HOW THEY FLOW TOGETHER
Let’s take Sean, for example. Sean spends many hours each week working on his family's finances (spreadsheets, investments, the whole nine). He shared how frustrated he was that his wife didn’t seem to notice how much time he puts into what he calls ‘their future.’ He says he loves her free-spirit self, but gets upset that she ignores and dismisses his efforts. This is a huge deal for him and a huge time investment so he’s looking for a simple, “Thank you, I see you.” The problem is that because he’s spending so much time on this, he’s barely paying attention to his wife and she is starting to resent him for it. She doesn’t feel seen, heard, or loved and as he continues to do more to gain affection, it works backwards and she continues to notice his efforts less.
This is where presence can swoop right in. All Sean needs to do is make time for his wife (instead of making more time for his spreadsheets). The moment she feels seen again, things will shift. Presence and acknowledgement feed into each other like masculinity and femininity - the more one grows, the more the other grows. The men said if their women noticed what they do, they would feel more happy and excited. The women said if their partners paid attention to them, they would be more appreciative and grateful.
Interesting how this works huh? An infinite loop.
In the end, it doesn’t matter who goes first, it’s not about pride or timing. It’s about understanding how these two little words can become BIG actions with massive results in loving each other better.